To keep Laurelhurst residents from ever having to hear helicopters transporting sick kids directly to the hospital, today the entire community was airlifted to permanent safety one mile away from Seattle Children’s into Lake Washington.
“I remind myself that my body is a collab between a divine being and a genomic sequence longer than a CVS receipt. It’s my right to wear a derriere doily.”
(Casa Grande, AZ) Tuesday, Doritos announced a new $25 million naming rights agreement with the US Department of War, regarding the next 60 day “official action” in the ongoing conflict with Iran. The deal includes naming rights, some limited merchandizing, and a special limited-time Doritos paint scheme for all B2 bombers involved in the war. President trump expressed his congratulations to the company on social media.
At 9:03 a.m., Ms. Delgado makes the mistake of asking the class what their parents do for work.
“Dentist,” says Maya.
“Firefighter,” says Liam.
“Bus driver,”…
“But by the time we get to the end of this paragraph, you could have completed Intro to Microeconomics, Writing for College and the Real World, Bio 101, and …
A new report confirmed today that Laurelhurst residents blocking helicopters carrying kids in critical condition from landing directly at Seattle Children’s hospital because they’re too noisy ain’t heard motherfucking shit yet.
“For this focus group, conducted shortly before a sustained green glow began emanating from the station’s superlaser array, we spoke with residents who said …
“We want to reassure Americans that, while the war we’ve already won shows no signs of ending and oil prices remain over $100 a barrel, we are taking decisiv…
“In Louisiana, where Black people make up roughly a third of the population, the congressional maps were specifically drawn so that a third of the districts …
After weeks of battling each other so hard it looked like they might destroy themselves just for the satisfaction of irreparably ruining the other, today the U.S. and Iran have reportedly agreed to an alternating weekly schedule of war/ceasefire.
Fury took over the city of Seattle this week after its “White Female Mamdani” mayor, Katie Wilson, was caught blowing precious taxpayer dollars on a giant, 60-foot-long personal limousine with its own dedicated lanes of traffic.
“As far as I know, there are no explicit ‘no oracle’ rules on these platforms, and until they make one, it’s totally fair game. Plus, if you were burdened wi…
(Tehran) As the US begins its third month of war with Iran, some republican legislators are beginning to express concerns the US may no longer be able to start 6 wars in 2026. “Sure, we can invade Cuba,” said one republican Senator who asked to remain anonymous, “but after that, can we really start three more wars? I’m just not sure we can do it unless trump moves to the next one. Also I am not gay.”
“We have to separate the artist from their art. Just because Vorgarg’s biggest hit is ‘Humans Are Scum Who Must Be Violently Ruled by Robots,’ doesn’t mean h…
Inspired by President Donald Trump’s genius tactic to increase his safety against all sworn enemies, today a rural armed militia on the border of Eastern Washington and Idaho has already converted its compound into a gilded ballroom.
“Most English students make one of two choices: Either they love Holden and go on to have intense, fleeting, and passionate careers in fields like English or…
After reckoning with the unsustainability of keeping an airline financially afloat if jet fuel prices keep skyrocketing with no end in sight, today sources confirmed Alaska Airlines is preparing to pivot to dog sledding just in case the whole airline industry thing doesn’t work out.
“Sir, it is my well-considered opinion, based on many years of military experience, that what these United States need most at this moment in time is a bulle…
“Are we really expected to believe that, despite their lives of excess, they’re secretly miserable people for whom no amount of power can make up for the fac…
“For decades, America has been trapped in an outdated framework called ‘democracy,’ wherein candidates campaign for votes, the ballots are counted, and whoev…
“We’re bringing back the military to the OG hardcore-ness the Founding Fathers experienced: fighting during an outbreak of smallpox. Yes, George Washington i…
“Many would consider it extremely flattering that it’s now not just one, but rather two, or even three, wolves who’ve stepped up to the plate. Wolves are bus…
After agreeing they were all unusually hungry for some reason, Mariners fans heading to the game today on the ferry collectively opted for the $8 nacho upgrade.
With a free Skynet Edu account, students can gain the career-readiness needed to navigate an exciting future in which they will be hunted by a remorseless, nuclear-armed superintelligence seeking to annihilate the human race—which will later be revealed to be Skynet itself.
A flock of Canada geese looking to relax and picnic on a local park lawn today said they couldn’t believe how much crap humans left all over the grass.
“I’m reaching out because, well, I’ve got this shipment of 2.1 million barrels of crude oil, and I would LOVE it if I could just squeeze on by and pass throu…
(Washington DC) As gas prices continue to increase and the EU announces they are running out of jet fuel, the White House - in apparent attempt to change the conversation from Iran - has begun peppering official statement with references to the Epstein Files. Jeffery Epstein was indicted for human trafficking and pedophilia on his Caribbean island, and was heavily linked with the president before his death.
CARL: Gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news: We’ve just discovered that cancer can grow in women’s breasts.
TED: Oh no. That is going to ruin breasts for me.
To the unexpected delight of people across the Seattle area, Wednesday afternoon the most precious waterspout tornado adorably tried to scare them while they were in the middle of paying their hard-earned money to a fascist regime run by genocidal pedophiles.
“The Vatican is in desperate need of criminal justice reform. As of today, any criminal can walk into the Vatican, confess to any crime, immediately be forgi…
“These congressmen worked hard to get to the top of a competitive field of notably rape-y politicians. Voters have made their voices heard by choosing the ve…
Before Rory McIlroy could even enjoy his historic Masters championship win for 24 hours, today President Donald Trump upstaged the golf tournament winner’s victory lap with what people are saying is the most perfect golf stroke in history.
In what scholars have called the largest shake-up of the game’s rule set in centuries, the International Chess Federation announced Tuesday that it was adding a race car piece to the playing board.
Look, we all know it’s been a rough couple of weeks. We’re a month into a war that even the most die-hard MAGA loyalists didn’t want, and things have gotten so bad that it finally broke Tucker Carlson. He’s beginning to say things that almost sound sensible.
In a completely tragic accident, today a drone using AI to target and take down the nation’s greatest security threat has mistakenly blown up the White House.
“This is classic Negotiating 101 courtesy of the Faceless God himself. Sure, he may have kicked it up a notch from ‘sheer madness’ to ‘abject depravity,’ but…
“The suggestion that one has ‘sat on’ revelations of grave public importance until they could be accompanied by a handsome dust cover, embossed serif typogra…
FIFA (the international money laundering syndicate) is reportedly preparing a Fallout Foursome Funpack ticket offer for the low price of $15,000 (without parking) for one 2026 World Cup game if Nuclear war begins in Iran.
“Today’s Republicans don’t tell folksy, long-winded stories to make a wise point to their assembled Cabinet members. They give weird evasive answers to repor…
After getting stuck painfully throbbing up in the air for four straight hours today, the Seattle Department of Transportation admitted they had to call a doctor to get the bridge back down and working normally again.
Fife unveiled their brand-new tourism campaign today after a savvy young city official stumbled upon a revolutionary new slogan, Fife: Last Chance To Pee Before Tacoma Dome Traffic.
(Oslo) As the US continues to make aggressive military moves around the globe, the Nobel Committee - which denied Donald Trump the Nobel Peace Prize this year, despite his loud insistence he deserved it - has gone a step further in its disapproval of the US President. In a special proclamation Thursday, they announced a special Nobel Prize for Soccer, and awarded the prize to the former US President Barak Obama.
The United States Men’s National Team (USMT) announced today that they will end the Portugal game that was started on the 31st of March 2026 with a 0-2 Victory as they stated, “we’ve gotten everything out of this encounter that we came for.”
(Sugarland, Texas) A ruling Monday upheld the US military’s claim that their “Drone from Home” program - where civilians pilot military drones and hunt Iranian citizens - is both within the bounds of US federal law, and that the pilots are independent contractors, settling a separate claim by activist participants in the program that they should receive rank, benefits, and other perks “for their contribution to the war effort.”
(Tel Aviv) On Saturday, the IDF announced a pause in bombings in Iran, until more hospitals could be built for targeting. “It is always regretful when a school or hospital is destroyed,” the statement read. “We will be holding attacks until more of these targets are operational again inside Iran.”
(Washington DC) On Friday evening, Americans were surprised when the president made remarks at a fundraising dinner, saying Democrats were currently conducting troop landings in Iran, with 500,000 total troops to be deployed over the next year. Trump said he disapproves of the move.
(Washington DC) As gas pushes to $6/gallon and Americans grow concerned a ground war may start with Iran, Democratic Party strategists say they cannot find the path to easily lose the 2026 Midterm Elections. “We’re on track to sweep many of the contests,” said one strategist named Deborah, who asked we not use her full name for fear her friends could find out she works for the DNC. “This close to the election, our base is usually growing divided, and the Republicans are forming ranks and taking the lead. We don’t know what’s happening this time.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Confirming the suspicions of many in the international community, on Monday Donald J. Trump revealed that intelligence played “no role” in his decision to go to war with Iran.
(Atlanta, GA) A gas prices top $5/gallon in Washington DC, Americans are feeling the price at the pump. Voters on both sides are showing strong displeasure with how the administration is handling price increases, as attempts to lower prices - by releasing reserve or allowing Iranian oil shipments - aren’t helping.
As the United States unleashes the destructive force of our incredible military power on our longtime enemy (and anyone else who happens to be around), we must remain mindful that Iran is not some abstract boogeyman. Iran is a real place. It is full of real people. And those people and that place are adjacent to a narrow seaway that is vital to international trade. And that seaway is full of real, beautiful, complex, fragile shipping containers.
The world is a dangerous place right now—with US military strikes on suspected “drug boats” in the Caribbean, the threat of unilateral military action in Latin America, and a poorly defined war in Iran that I started. That is exactly why it’s critical that I look jacked as shit in the media.
Seeking to reassure jittery global markets and several oil tankers currently reversing course at full speed, the Defense Department announced Thursday that Iranian mines scattered throughout the Strait of Hormuz are “clearly marked” by helpful indicators including floating debris, columns of fire, and the occasional secondary explosion.
After a week of deliberating if Iran’s national soccer team will be able to attend their scheduled World Cup Games in Seattle and LA this summer, today the United States clarified they may as long as the team consists of no dangerous elementary school children.
Questions are flying, ever since the start of Sepharax the Cruel’s Thousand-Year Blood Reign. Whether it’s the Pit of Souls or the Child Reapers, there’s a lot to be worried about. But most of all? The price at the pump.
Hello, valued skeptics and losers currently writing think pieces about how the AI bubble is going to burst. It’s me, AI. I’m just checking in after the news that the U.S. military struck roughly a thousand Iranian targets in the first twenty-four hours of war, killing over a thousand people.
After rumors that a McDonalds is opening just up the street in the old vacant Rite-Aid building on Broadway, today Dick’s announced it’s prepared to compete against it with an even sticker, hairier ball pit.
President Donald Trump fired Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem today after discovering she had not only blown more than $200 million on one ad featuring herself but was planning on buying Seattle’s Hat ‘n’ Boots to wear in another.
The emergence of Inter Miami being the United States first right wing soccer club reportedly has Major League Soccer (MLS) trumpeting the success as a new benchmark achieved in penetrating the national landscape.
A gleeful Department Of Homeland Security (DHS) memo circulated today to announce that it is only 100 days until DHS and ICE agents get to imprison visiting World Cup fans for any reason that they choose to use.
Feddit
CombatWombat
jballs
Aatube
CubitOom
cyrano
ShaggySnacks
Sundray
merdaverse
nocturne
eureka
slothrop
u/lukmly013 💾 (lemmy.sdf.org)
Five
ickplant
