Kristi Noem Fired After Attempting to Buy, Wear Seattle Hat ‘n’ Boots

President Donald Trump fired Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem today after discovering she had not only blown more than $200 million on one ad featuring herself but was planning on buying Seattle’s Hat ‘n’ Boots to wear in another.

“I tried to tell her the Hat ‘n’ Boots were too big for her but she wouldn’t listen,” said one source, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity in a quivering voice. “She wasn’t just addicted to blowing money and Corey Lewandowski—she was addicted to buying and wearing bigger and bigger hats every time she appeared on camera, which eventually brought us to Oxbow Park in Seattle. She was adamant they would look and feel great in her next $200 million DHS ad shoot while riding Blucifer through Denver.”